He’s having twins.

My initial reactions:

• 5 children?? That place is going to be a mad house.
• Wait, it’s it way too early for Tanya to have had a scan?? They don’t usually give you them until 12 weeks. She can’t be 3 months if they’re Colin’s.

I just read a site that says you can see twins on an ultrasound from 6 weeks, and I think the “weeks” count goes from the woman’s last period. But I’ve never heard of someone having a scan that early in the UK. Perhaps though if twins run in her family she managed to get an earlier scan.

If twins don’t run in her family, then they’re not Colin’s. Twins don’t run in his family, and twins are genetic, unlike triplets which are an anomaly.

Anyway, she’ll have a dating scan in a few weeks. Then he’ll know. But I’m pretty sure now they are his

I’ve been feeling so down the last few days. I can’t get up, I can’t get any work done. The longer I go without hearing from or contacting Colin, the easier it gets, but this has set me right back.

How is he going to cope with twins, let alone her other 3 kids too?

I know it’s only been a day since we talked. I need patience. I think God keeps telling me to be patient and to trust him. But I find that hard because I’ve never been a patient person.

I want to try to fix this situation, to come to a compromise. Yet I can’t. I know in my heart God doesn’t want me interfering right now. But that makes me feel completely helpless. I don’t want my marriage to end and I still believe there is hope now Colin seems open to wanting to work things out.

I get the feeling it’s only the baby keeping Colin there now, not what I was like in our relationship.

I found out some more about Tanya. She’s been married before and already has kids. Not only that, but she smokes, and Colin has always been strongly against smoking. He thinks it’s a filthy habit and has even gone so far as coughing in the direction of someone’s cigarette to put it out (which worked).

He has got himself into a terrible situation and my heart is crying out to me to rescue him.

But I can’t. There is nothing I can do.

There are only 2 options:

1. She loses the baby. I would never wish for a child to die, but this situation is pushing my morals to their limits.
2. I move to the other side of the country to where they are.

I’m not sure I could move there. I probably would if I knew for sure Colin and I would be together. I would love his child despite its mother. And yet, if we lived that close to Tanya, could I trust him to not do it again?

I have to keep reminding myself, I don’t know who he is right now. I can’t really rely on the character I knew, because the man I knew would never have broken my heart.

One question keeps going through my head, but it is a question I can never ask him because I know he wouldn’t answer and would take offence: Why didn’t he use protection? Is it because he forgot women can get pregnant because we’d been trying for 3 years? Or was it just stupidity. I don’t like thinking about it. I don’t like other possible answers that shall remain in my head. How could he do that to me? I so badly wanted to give him a child.

Clinging on to hope like this, it will be my ruin. I can’t focus on my study. Colin is running through my mind all day and I just want to call him.

But I can’t. Because she’s there.

If he wishes he could work things out with me, why is he living with her? He doesn’t need to be there until the baby comes.

Is he still sleeping with her?

Is he just stringing me along?

Why can’t I stop loving him..?

Yesterday I was showering when I suddenly felt disgusted with my body. Colin make me feel physically and emotionally violated. Anything he learnt from me (you know what I mean) he will now be using with her. At the moment, I feel like I could never let anyone else touch me that way. How could I? I’m used, and how can I trust it won’t all happen again?

I was also thinking about how much he must have moved on emotionally. I guess I don’t really know Colin as well as I thought, but I would still like to think he’d only sleep with someone if he had feelings for them. But how could he possibly have got to know Tanya well enough in the 1 or 2 weeks before he slept with her?

So I’m left to conclude that he was having an emotional affair. They must have been talking online for a few months before he left. And that makes me feel all the more betrayed. He was living with me, sleeping with me, but all the while talking to this other woman enough to form a close bond, clearly closer than what he felt he had with me or this whole situation might not have happened.

I was always very stressed while with Colin, but I would never have left him. I couldn’t. I had thought about it. I had even questioned whether or not I was still in love with him. But I made a life commitment to him in the eyes of God.

And yet, I’m not sure God ever wanted us to get married. So many people thought, or rather knew, it was a bad idea.

The last 6 years of my life have been about Colin and nothing else. I lost touch with my friends and family, but more seriously I lost touch with God. I’m not blaming Colin for that, it’s my own fault. But at the same time, while Colin was in my life I couldn’t see a need for anything but him to be in my life.

I’m better off now. In a few years I’ll look back and see this as a hiccup in my path through life, something for me to learn from. And I will make sure I learn from it. I never want to make the same mistakes again, starting with picking a man for myself, rather than asking God if it’s His will for us to be together.

The end of my degree is now less complicated in a way. The course will be far more stressful, especially with no one there to tell me “It will be ok”, but getting a job will be less stressful because I won’t be rushed. Now, if need be, I can move back in with Mum & Dad if I don’t manage to secure a job right away. Had I still been with Colin, I would have been under pressure to be in work right away. Also, once I got a job he would have had even less motivation to find a job himself.

I don’t want to think badly of Colin, but not only can I not help it, having seen his true colours, I think I need to see what everyone else was always trying to tell me. I won’t write about it though. What good will it do if I speak badly of him? It makes me feel better for a moment, but then I realise am I speaking badly of the man who was my husband, who I loved, who I planned a future with.

But I do have things I plan to do in 2010:

• Get divorced. I’m not looking forward to it at all, but I plan to get it done in 2010. No point in dragging it out.
• Enjoy being single. Yes, I intend to make the most of it, seeing as I have no choice in the matter.
• Get a 1st class degree.
• Get my first job.
• Learn to drive.
• Lose 20kg.
• Get a cat (I hope I don’t end up being a lonely old cat lady).
• Become a confident, outgoing, social person (so pretty much the opposite of who I’ve been for 3 years).

I’m not doing anything to celebrate the new year, I never do. I would have liked to this year, not because I care about it becoming 2010 but because I wanted to hang out with friends. Unfortunately, my friend who lives near my parents is elsewhere tonight, so we couldn’t meet up.  Oh well, there’s always next year, or in fact any night.

But perhaps that was the problem.

Even now I can’t stop myself wanting to know what’s going on with him. I am so used to knowing absolutely everything Colin did with his time, I am finding it hard to let that part go.

We have a shared email account. When he signs in, I can get his IP address and find out roughly where in the country he is. From this, I know he’s gone back to his woman, let’s call her Tanya, having spent Christmas with his family.

And I shouldn’t know that. It’s not healthy for me to know that. I’m kind of annoyed I’m tech-savy enough to have noticed the IP log and that I know how to find the rough location from it.

Currently I’m staying with my parents for Christmas. Hopefully when I go home in the new year I will have enough things going on to distract myself. Here’s a list of things I’ll be doing:

• Tudor dancing – I found a club that does this fairly locally, a bus trip away. It will be good exercise for me, as I hope to lose about 20kg, having already lost 8kg from stress and a change of eating habits since Colin left (annoyingly though I have put 1-2kg back on from Christmas. I need to go home, I’m being too well fed here!). It will also be incredibly fun, as the only part of history I’ve ever really had an interest in is the time of the Tudors.
• Bell ringing is something I used to do for a few years. I’ve heard bells ringing in the distance some nights. I intend to find out where and if they have space for me to join. I used to enjoy it a lot and again it is a good form of exercise.
• House group. This is something I’ve already started going to and I’ve found it a wonderful help getting back into a Christian way of life/thinking. I’ve also been going back to church again. I’ve made friends through this, which is important anyway, but especially at the moment.

I also have my degree to focus on, although that has been going south since Colin left. I am finding it hard enough to look after myself, let alone cope with my final year of university.

But I’ll get by, especially with the changes I have been and will be making.

I’m also going to learn how to wear make-up! Please don’t laugh. I’ve just never seen a need for it before, or been bothered with it. Now however, because I’ve lost weight, I feel like I look good and I want to accentuate my features, my eyes especially.

I am worried when and how things may hit me about Colin being gone. For example, he loved my eyes and would often comment on them, even recently, which adds to the feeling of suddenness I get from this whole situation.

I’m not going to start wearing make-up to attract men. I have no intention of finding someone else yet. Unlike Colin, I would at least wait until we are divorced, which will take about 6-8 months, maybe even longer considering I have no idea how to get documents to him.

The reason I want to wear make-up is to reflect the confidence I am feeling more and more each day. I have had confidence issues for many years, due to being bullied in school. But somehow I am coming out of this situation a stronger person than when I was with Colin.

I am beginning to realise there were a lot of fundamental flaws in our marriage. The fact I feel more confident now supports that.

I am not sure how to be single. I was very young when I met Colin and I have never lived alone. I am both scared and excited about how my life will be now. Yes, I will be lonely, but I will also have more freedom and be able to work out who I am.

Right now, I’m not really sure who I am, what I want from life. The career path I am headed for is beginning to feel like something I don’t want. I have always had a deep urge to help people, to right the wrongs of the world if it were in my power, but I don’t think my current future career will help people at all. But I am good at it and not everyone can have life-changing careers.

I would focus on my art if I thought I could make a career of it. However, I know full well you have to be incredibly talented to live on selling art and I am mediocre at best. My kind of art doesn’t help people either. Perhaps though I could do art in my spare time for good causes, or for people to sell to raise money, etc.

I hope to find many more things I can do. Perhaps though I should stick to only a few things. I do have to complete university after all.

I am a 21 year old woman and about to divorce my husband. Please don’t think badly of me for this, I have every reason to divorce him.

About 2 months ago he left without talking about why. He then, mistakenly, thought we were separated (we had discussed it, but I made it clear, or so I thought, that it’s not what I wanted. I had no idea he thought we were). Pretty much straight away he was with another woman who he then got pregnant.

My heart wants me to go back to him, but I am making sure my mind remains in control, because my head correctly knows I should not go back to him. There are many, many reasons that I could have left him before all this.

I did forgive him when I found out about the affair, but he wouldn’t come home. Then he found out she’s pregnant and so the baby became his priority.

He won’t actually call what he did an affair, nor does he think he has anything to be ashamed of.

Do people not understand marriage these days? My husband, let’s call him Colin, didn’t seem to be interested in working through a bad patch. Yes, we’d only been married for 3 years so it was quite early to be having a bad patch, but then again he’d been unemployed for a long time so we only had my student loans as income. Also, my dad paid the rent for us.

I had a lot to be stressed about.

But anyway, while I may sometimes bitch about Colin here, I am moving on with my life, so I will not post about what happened between us unless appropriate.

Things have been over between us for about a month (though Colin believes it was 2 months ago that we ended). What a rubbish time of year for it to happen, but then again, Christmas has distracted me nicely.

I shouldn’t write too much, otherwise no one will ever read this So, farewell until my next entry.